E399 - Stop saying, "If I Die..."

My mom often says, “If I die….”

I sometimes accidentally say the same thing.

The “if” is a cognitive security blanket I pull over my head so I can pretend that death — the only thing every single human being who has ever lived has accomplished — might somehow not apply to me. As though the universe looked at my particular assortment of questionable decisions and said, “This one, we keep.”

It will not say that. I am, biologically speaking, a disaster in slow motion. I have a weakening knee. I have eaten gas station sushi. Twice. I on...