Haysnacks

Today is both Columbus Day and Indigenous Peoples Day — so yeah, we’re celebrating the dude who “discovered” America and the folks who were already here. I joke about Columbus thinking he’d sailed to India and, spoiler, he missed it by, like, 9,000 miles. I remind people that Indigenous ancestors have been here for thousands of years, so the whole “Indians” mix-up is wild. I wish you a Happy Columbus Day and/or Indigenous Peoples Day. And if none of that does it for you, hey — Happy Monday.Takeaways:I point out that today is officially Columbus Day and...

Sam's Club basically runs how we live now — people are literally putting garage doors straight into their pantries so they can unload bulk like it’s a sport. So we barreled through a Morning 6-Pack of the six things you should only ever buy at Sam’s Club (yep, we’re being dramatic and proud). I riff on how bulk shopping forces you to add fridges, chest freezers, and industrial shelving to your house plan, and why losing reading glasses is apparently a regional pastime. We tease a few no-brainers — rotisserie chickens, Goldfish, a giant ibuprofen tub — and joke about buying...

A guy plans this perfect ocean-overlook proposal with white roses, candles and a mariachi band — and some neighborhood Karen strolls in to boo the romance, yelling about permits and even shouting “go back to Mexico.” I mean, who shows up to a sunset proposal armed with complaints and civic rage? She threatens to call the cops, lectures them about park rules, and her dog literally drops a souvenir on the lawn while she rants. But the couple? They kept calm, he proposed, she said yes, and the mariachis kept playing — now their engagement video doubles as a reality doc with a v...

People are literally designing houses around Costco/Sam’s Club — yep, that tiny 2x2 “Sam’s Club door” that drops you from the garage straight into the pantry. I riff on how it lets you shove the 30-pack of sparkling water, industrial olive oil, and giant bags of rice into your house without five trips or losing circulation in your fingers. A contractor even says about half his customers ask for one, and it’s apparently like a grand to add during construction — ridiculous until you’ve wrestled a Sam’s Club haul. I poke fun about future listings touting “direct ro...

Arkansas landed 46th on WalletHub’s Safest States list — yeah, fifth from the bottom, not exactly honor-roll material. WalletHub used 52 different metrics (crime, road safety, financial security, workplace safety, emergency preparedness — the whole shebang), so this is more than just “who’s got nicer sidewalks.” New England basically cleaned house — Vermont, Massachusetts, Maine, New Hampshire and Connecticut topped the list — while Mississippi finished dead last (thank God for Mississippi, right?). So we cracked open a Morning 6-Pack: six quick, funny ways to stay safe no matter what state you’re in. I give some legit tips, some dumb jokes, and save the best...

A woman in Milwaukee is accused of pretending to be a substitute teacher at Rufus King High School — and yeah, students say she walked in blasting rap, dissed kids about weight, race, looks and money, and even asked if anyone had a vape or weed. I mean, we’re talking substitute or drunk uncle at Thanksgiving? How does someone get past sign-in and into third period looking for blunts instead of teaching fractions? The kids complained and got the classic skeptical grown-up response — “whatever, go back” — so of course the real teacher comes back and asks what they learned. Their answer...

We're counting down the top six things you need to know for a career as a social media influencer. I'm Haystack, and I blast through six hilarious, slightly terrifying realities about turning likes into a job — from making your parents' basement look like Dubai to slapping "maxing" onto every sentence. We riff on having a million followers but no friends, the whole nudity vs. algorithm hustle, and those insanely stupid "check challenge" stunts people do for clout. It's fast, snarky, and full of dumb jokes you'll probably steal. I won't give away the number-one mic-drop here — you gotta listen to c...

The plague's getting loose and I pick up the phone like a sucker — Bama's already sure she's basically bulletproof. She walks me through her summer of medical miracles: scurvy from an all-White Claw diet, a ringworm shaped exactly like Florida, and an "internal parasite" she picked up at what she insists felt like a swim-up bar (turns out it was a flooded Waffle House). We try to figure out how any of that equals immunity and, predictably, the conversation goes gloriously off the rails. It's equal parts gross, ridiculous, and somehow deeply believable, with Bama's confidence only getting louder as...

Elon Musk is a trillionaire again — like, back to that cartoon-villain money level. Forbes says his net worth jumped a little over $30 billion in one day thanks to stock moves at SpaceX and Tesla, which is wild. I mean, I lose money at Sam’s Club and never pull off gains like that; we’re talking numbers that stop sounding real. It’s not cash in a vault though — it’s shares, so the title can evaporate just as fast, and Jeff’s sitting around $370 billion while Elon’s doing trillion-tier flexes. Oh, and he even celebrated by singing a braggy little...

Today is October 6 — National Taco Day — and yeah, someone actually fixed it so the holiday now falls on the first Tuesday in October, which means tacos and Taco Tuesday finally aligned. Taco Bell apparently teamed up with the National Day calendar people a few years back to make it official, because of course corporate diplomacy is a thing now. Americans chow down on more than 4.5 billion tacos a year, which sounds huge until you remember some of us eat six at a time like it’s a cardio workout. Fun fact: the word “taco” likely comes from Mexican silver miners who...

Today is National Coaches Day, so I’m celebrating (and low-key roasting) the people who stand on the sideline yelling stuff you already knew — “Move,” “Smile,” “Keep your head up.” I riff through the best dumb-but-hilarious coaching moments from Arkansas folks like Dana Altman, John L. Smith and Sam Pittman — yeah, that legendary “I didn’t know what to do” pep talk made the highlight reel. I even joke about a fake greatest-hits album, “Now That’s What I Call Coaching,” because who doesn’t want motivational wisdom remixed into pure chaos? We keep it silly, sarcastic, and loving — coaches teach discipline and teamw...

Americans say they're sick of the "sexy" version of everything — that's the big takeaway, right up front. So we crank through a Morning 6-Pack about Halloween burnout, calling out the whole trend of turning every job into fishnets (sexy nurse, sexy cop, sexy TSA... seriously?). I poke fun at people knee-deep in Joker and Harley Quinn clones and defend the poor pirate for once, while admitting I'm the kind of big guy who can only pull off Hodor. Only about one in four adults plan to dress up, but two-thirds say you're never too old to do it, so go...

The new fitness flex is literally flexing — women are making biceps the new status symbol and I am here for it. I heard about a Wall Street Journal piece where folks are posting arm selfies, rocking sleeveless fits, and even doing last-minute curls before going out. One woman says people see her arms and assume she can carry all the groceries in one trip — highest form of strength, right? Hollywood’s even in on it: Matt Damon had a biceps double in one scene, and the arms actually belonged to a woman named Devin Dalton. We joke, we swoon, we adm...

We’re counting down the Morning 6-Pack: the top six things aliens would say if they landed on Earth today. I riff on all the space-news hype — weird radio pulses, people getting excited, and us assuming every beep means little green pilots — then we flip it into six goofy lines those aliens might drop. We joke about sneaking a peek before Putin turns the place into a disaster, ask why everything smells like pumpkin spice, and vow that even aliens won’t miss foliage season. I even roast the whole “you look like Steve Buscemi” thing, because apparently we’re famous now...

Phones are wrecking restaurant vibes, so I'm all for phone-free sections, lockable pouches, or even bribing families with free ice cream to keep the glowboxes out. Feels like we're sliding from "smoking or non‑smoking" to "cell phone or non‑cell phone," and honestly, I kinda love it. On today's Morning 6-Pack I crack open six other things restaurants should dump besides phones. I roast stuff like that 25% tip button, jump‑scare vibrating plastic coasters, and ketchup bottles that are basically souvenir empties. I won't spoil the top pick — you'll have to stick around for that mic drop — but expect qui...

McDonald's is spending $8.5 billion on a remodel and they're rolling out an AI drive‑thru called "Archie" to take orders, upsell you, and supposedly make sure your food actually ends up in the bag. They tried this with IBM a few years back and parked it, but now Archie’s back after what they jokingly call "remedial cheeseburger training." I'm skeptical — if Archie can reliably get my fries right and announce "the ice cream machine is down," then maybe it's officially human. I even snagged early test clips and they're a riot: Archie ID'ing a 1997 Kia Sportage, sniffing out a cann...

According to a new NBC report, former inmates say Sean “Diddy” Combs is basically living like a VIP in federal prison—massages, Hennessy, folks cooking his meals, doing his laundry and making his bed. We joke about prison resorts, but the story even says he’s padding commissary accounts to get favors, like the prison version of tipping a barista. Some ex-inmates allege conjugal visits and an all-inclusive vibe; his reps say the media’s exaggerating, so let’s file that under “alleged extravagance.” I’m over here thinking, who knew prison had a gig economy—“need your bunk made? there’s an app f...

Today is National Pumpkin Spice Day, and yeah—I’m here to mock the holiday because pumpkin spice has officially taken over my life. We trace the nonsense back a bit—McCormick was selling pumpkin pie spice in 1934 and then Starbucks dropped their pumpkin spice latte in 2020 and basically rewired fall into a foam-and-oat-milk situation. Fun fact: “pumpkin spice” barely even contains pumpkin—it's cinnamon, ginger, nutmeg, cloves and allspice doing all the heavy lifting while pumpkin just stands there taking credit. Now it's in everything from candles and dog treats to soap, Doritos, and yes, someone even made a pumpkin sp...

Halloween’s now a $13.5 billion biz, and yep, we’re weirdly spending more on spooky setups than actual candy. I’m talkin’ about folks dropping $115 on average, with about $4.4B on costumes, $4.3B on decorations and only $4.1B on candy — so your yard’s got a graveyard vibe while the trick-or-treaters get handed one sad Tootsie Roll. I remember when Halloween cost my folks twelve bucks and a pillowcase; now it’s artisanal candy and animatronic nightmares. Also, shoutout to Spirit Halloween — they pop into dead strip malls (like ghost landlords), run around 1,500 temp stores full of fog machines and severed head...

I kick things off by giving you the top six things to say that'll make a scammer hang up immediately — for real, like dial tone and peace out. Americans get hit with about 25 scam messages/calls a week (nine calls, nine emails, seven texts on average), and we’ve all got like 350 things rotting in our spam folder while almost a quarter of folks admit they’ve fallen for one — so yeah, these scammers are busy. I run through six goofy, awkward, and straight-up gross lines you can use: from asking if I can talk about the role Jesus plays in...